just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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