Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
