Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
