I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I touched a dick in church today
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
