the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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