i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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