FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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