I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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