Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
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not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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