dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
