did you get engaged???
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
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That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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