Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
