An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
