rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
