you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.