I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
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Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
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And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.