Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?