shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
