I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
