I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We left the knife in your bed.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
