Having a random hookup so left but love u
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
