2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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