Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
