you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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