Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
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Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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