Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Pants are for mortals
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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