who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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