do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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