I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
