I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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