I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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