she woke up with a sticky ear
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
