i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
