I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
