My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He? As in you personified your dick?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
