Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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