life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
