Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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