do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
