she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
