I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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