I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You had me at "let me see your balls"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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