I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
my liver is dry heaving
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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