one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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