I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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