I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
