Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
