About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
