He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
