goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
