I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
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Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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