someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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