I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
