I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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