I hate your face
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
