please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
