remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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