i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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