I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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