If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
