Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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