apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
