I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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