I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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