Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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